Have you ever wondered why sometimes your body reacts before your brain can catch up? Like when your heart races out of nowhere, or you suddenly freeze or shut down without knowing why?
There’s a science behind that, and it has everything to do with how our nervous system keeps us safe.
It’s called Polyvagal Theory, and it helps us understand how our bodies respond to safety, danger, and everything in between, especially when we’ve been through hard things early in life.
Our Built-In Alarm System
Our nervous system is constantly scanning the world around us for cues of safety or threat. And here’s the thing, it does this automatically, without us even realizing it. This is called neuroception.
Unlike perception (which happens in our thinking brain), neuroception happens in the body, fast and instinctual. It picks up on facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and even the overall vibe in a room. And based on what it senses, it tells the body how to respond.
Think of it as a built-in alarm system that’s always working in the background.
Three Ways the Body Responds
According to polyvagal theory, we have three main pathways in the nervous system that help us respond to what’s happening around us:
- The Social Engagement System (Ventral Vagal): When we feel safe and connected, this part of the nervous system is active. It helps us feel calm, curious, and able to connect with others. This is where co-regulation happens, where we feel grounded just by being with someone who feels safe.
- Fight or Flight (Sympathetic Nervous System): If the body senses danger, it kicks into action. We might feel anxious, angry, restless, or on edge. This is the nervous system preparing us to protect ourselves.
- Collapse or immobilization (Dorsal Vagal): When fight or flight doesn’t feel possible, the body might go into a kind of shutdown mode. This can look like feeling numb, disconnected, or overwhelmed.
All of these responses are protective. The nervous system isn’t trying to be difficult; it’s trying to keep us safe.
Why Early Relationships Matter
The way we respond to stress or connection as adults often traces back to our earliest relationships. When children grow up in environments where safety and connection are inconsistent, their nervous systems can become extra sensitive to threat.
It’s not about blame, it’s about understanding.
If a child didn’t receive the kinds of cues that said “you’re safe, I’m here, I’ve got you,” their body may have learned to stay on high alert, even when things seem fine from the outside. Over time, this can shape how they experience relationships, regulate emotions, and handle stress.
But here’s the hopeful part: healing is absolutely possible.
The Power of Co-Regulation
One of the most beautiful things about polyvagal theory is how it reminds us that connection is healing.
When we offer a calm, steady presence, through gentle voice, kind eyes, soft gestures, we’re sending signals of safety. The nervous system picks up on that. Over time, these safe connections help the body learn that it doesn’t always have to fight, flee, or freeze. It can rest. It can trust.
This is what co-regulation looks like. And it’s at the heart of what I do in counselling, helping children, youth, adults, and families rediscover what safety and connection feel like, from the inside out.
A Final Word
If you or your child ever feel like your reactions don’t always “make sense,” you’re not broken. Your body is doing its best to protect you, based on what it’s learned.
Polyvagal theory helps us move away from judgment and toward compassion, for ourselves and each other. It reminds us that we’re wired for connection, and that healing happens not just through insight, but through felt safety in safe relationships.
If you're curious about how this might apply to your family or your own healing, I'm here. Together, we can help your nervous system feel a little more at home in the world.
Jill Havelock
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