When Grief Is Invisible:

Grief is something we all experience; it’s one of the most natural parts of being human. But what happens when someone’s grief isn’t seen? When their pain is brushed aside, misunderstood, or minimized?

That’s what we call disenfranchised grief, grief that isn’t recognized or acknowledged by the people around us. It’s a kind of invisible loss, and it can be especially hard for children and youth.

What Is Disenfranchised Grief?

Disenfranchised grief is a term coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka. It refers to any grief that isn’t accepted or supported by society. Sometimes this happens when the loss itself isn’t “obvious” to others, like the loss of a friendship, a beloved pet, a teacher, or a familiar routine. Sometimes the grief is about things that aren’t tied to death at all, like changing schools, parents separating, or losing a sense of stability.

And sometimes, it’s the griever who gets overlooked. Adults might assume kids are too young to really understand loss. But the truth is: if a child is old enough to love, they’re old enough to grieve.

What Disenfranchised Grief Can Look Like

Grief doesn’t always show up as tears. Especially in children, grief can look like:

• Acting out or becoming defiant
• Anxiety or clinginess
• Withdrawing or becoming quiet
• Trouble concentrating or sleeping
• Overachieving or becoming overly “good”

Sometimes adults might miss these signs or mislabel them as “bad behaviour” or emotional immaturity. But often, these are simply grief responses. Children don’t always have the words to express their loss, so their bodies and behaviours speak for them.

When grief is misunderstood, or when children are told to “move on” or “be strong”, they may start to hide their feelings, even from themselves. This doesn’t mean the grief goes away. It just gets tucked away, where it can grow heavy and confusing.

Why It Matters

When a child’s grief is dismissed, it doesn’t just hurt in the moment. It can teach them that their feelings aren’t valid or that they shouldn’t talk about hard things. Over time, this can impact how they see themselves, how they form relationships, and how they cope with future losses.

That’s why being seen in our grief matters so much. When someone gently witnesses our pain, without rushing to fix it or minimize it, it helps us feel safe, understood, and less alone. And that’s often what healing begins to look like.

How We Can Help

The good news is we can support children and teens through grief, especially the invisible kinds. It starts with noticing, naming, and holding space.

Here are a few ways to do that:

• Recognize the loss: Even if it seems small to an adult, it may feel huge to a child.
• Validate their feelings: Say things like “It makes sense you feel that way,” or “That sounds really hard.”
• Offer presence, not pressure: You don’t need to have all the answers. Just being there, consistently and kindly, is powerful.
• Support expression: This might be through play, drawing, movement, or quiet conversation. Grief needs outlets that feel safe and natural.

A Final Thought

Not all grief is loud or visible. But all grief deserves space.

Whether a child is grieving a person, a pet, a place, or even a version of how life used to be, they deserve to be met with compassion, not correction.

At Wabi Sabi Wellness, I support children, youth, and families in making sense of loss in all its forms. If your child is grieving, or if you’re grieving alongside them, you don’t have to walk through it alone.

Because when grief is witnessed, it starts to heal.